May 16, 2012

As good as it gets?

I thought things were as good as they would ever get when I was in first grade and two boys fought to kiss me good bye every Friday afternoon.  The world was my oyster and my oyster was tiny and easy to manage.

I thought nothing could top hanging out with my cousin and watching The Love Boat and pretending we had poopoopolitis just like they did on the cruise ship.

I thought life was as good as it would get when MJ and I would pass notes in middle school through the Bobby and Bobby Express.  I wanted basketball games never to end as we hung out with ‘our’ boys in my den over February break.

I thought things could never be any better or any more fun than Leadership with Mr. Saputo, Chemistry with Mr. Wolber, Physics with Mr. Tursi and French with Madame.  I thought hanging out in George’s red Mustang and watching Bring on the Night with Caryn were simply as good as it gets.

I thought I would never be happier than I was at Notre Dame at football games, tailgates and hanging out with my girls in 3A.  I thought a vacation could never be better than hanging in Cancun or Key West with my friends.  I thought St. Patrick’s Day would never be as much fun as it was at Lafayette Square.

I thought my wedding day was the day that couldn’t be topped in my life as the perfect combination of significance and  fun.

I thought life on the Northside of Richmond spent on the front porch with my first born was the summit on the road I had been traveling.

And things always got better than I had dreamed possible.  And the road that I got on after I thought it couldn’t get better has always had dips and turns that I didn’t foresee.  But each time I think it can’t get any better than it is or was I end up being wrong and experiencing a moment, an hour or a succession of days that make me smile and feel love and happiness exponentially larger than the times before.

That’s what has happened as I skated my way into this new decade.

How can it get any better than time with my children, Justin and mom?

Followed by being whisked away by my friend of a lifetime to celebrate with my dearest girls on a mountain removed from the stressors of our everyday lives.

And back down to skate the night away with the friends I adore.

How, I ask, how can it get better than that?

But I feel like I am climbing that mountain again and getting ready to crest into happiness I’ve never felt before.

And I wonder, what could possibly be better than what I’ve had so far?

 

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May 10, 2012

If this is 40 I will be a.o.k.

Today has been filled with all kinds of presents big and small.  It’s been a day of blue Tiffany boxes and handmade cards.  I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  I am hydrating and getting ready for an exciting weekend filled with friends and family and friends that might as well be family.

But there is one thing that grabbed my heart right away this morning – a handwritten letter from Alex.  And since he doesn’t read my blog that frequently (and hopefully none of his friends’ moms will tell) I wanted to share the letter with you. (I guess that is one of the hard things about having a writer for a mom…you never know what will end up in print.)

Dear Mom,

I will always love you with all of my heart.  You do so much for me and I think it’s time to let you know how I feel.  I love the way you say good night to me every night.  I love the way you wake up at 6:00 to tell me good luck for my baseball games.  I love the way you tell Ethan to stop talking because he never listens to me.  I love the way you help me with the dishwasher.  I love the way you know which Starbucks makes the Iced Venti Nonfat Chai, RIGHT.  I love the way you hang up to talk to me even if I don’t have anything to say.  I love the way you are. Most of all I love the way you love me.

Happy 40th!

Love,

Alex

Maybe that’s a bonus of being a writing mom…your kids use your most precious medium to express their feelings too.

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May 6, 2012

Dark, dark world of Julie

My dark world is a cynical one.  A cynical world that knows that once you remove the sugarcoating from the words there is insincerity and not always integrity.  I can feel the daggers that are launched in the guise of sweetness.  I can feel the feelings and energy that were intended.  I am a knower of truth and a reader of souls.

But sometimes behind the fake tans and polished nails, I find a heart that is true and pure.  A heart that is ready to share it’s truth.  A soul that recognizes a mate and opens itself to me.

My soul and my heart do cartwheels when they make a friend.  And right now, at this very moment in my life, I am giving myself more chances to smile as I throw up my shield and deflect the words mixed with sugar and poison from entering my heart.

I prefer flames filled with truth and gymnastics meets for my heart.

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May 5, 2012

I used to love…

I used to love Ellios’ pizza and boys who smelled like Drakkar.
I used to love Silver City Pink lipstick and watching Santa Barbara.
I used to love playing Pac-Man and wearing white Capezios.
I used to love jeans with designs on the pockets.
I used to love eating Cheez Whiz.
I used to love collecting stickers, writing poetry in a tiny journal and listening to the same song over and over again.
I used to love reading Judy Blume books way past my bedtime.
I used to love daydreaming while I gazed out my bedroom window.
I used to love McDonalds.
And now…
I love Mellow Mushroom Pizza and boys that don’t smell.
I love Coconut Oil Lip Balm and watching Downton Abbey.
I love playing little kids games and wearing my Ugg slippers all day.
I love wearing yoga pants with no pockets at all.
I still love eating Cheez Whiz.
I love collecting journals and writing poems, words and stories of all sizes in each one.
I love making my favorite songs my ringtone after I have listened to them over and over again.
I love reading 50 Shades of Grey way past my bedtime.
I love daydreaming as I gaze out the window of my minivan.
I love vegan food now…except when I really need I cheeseburger…then I still love McDonalds.

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April 29, 2012

What I meant to do in April

It came to my attention that tomorrow is the last day of April.  I’m not quite sure that happened.  Don’t know how the month slipped away from me.  Because I had every intention of celebrating poetry during National Poetry Month.  I intended to share poetry with my little preschoolers and my own kids.  I planned on reading all of Mary Oliver’s beautiful words.  I wanted to write my own poetry.  I wanted to explore words.  But I didn’t and I suppose I still can.

Since I ran out of time I went to a favorite website, bentlily.  There is an instapoem prompt.  How perfect I thought!  I needed to write a poem…instantly.  So here it is…

It was the day we laughed so hard
we made the tulips bloom

I was three
it was sunny

we were running like seahorses
a game of kickball
happiness all balled up in our toes
shooting out of us in shrieks and bellows

I’m an owl
she declared

and I decided I was too

a witty owl
with nothing to do
but chase the wind

they say it whips you in the face
but this isn’t how it works
if you run hard enough
the wind bores right into you

I don’t remember anything else
except the smell of the pool
sweet as a creamsicle

the wind carried the rest away.

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April 27, 2012

Made for t.v.?

I don’t want to see the made for t.v. version of your life.  I want to see into your heart. I don’t want to see the scrapbook of your day fixed with all the pretty accoutrements.  I want to see the flaws that made it real.  I want to see the eyeliner from your tears on your shirt sleeve.  I don’t want the sugarcoated version of your truth. I want the gut wrenching anguish and the exhilarating highs.  I want to feel your happiness and bear your smiles…

Which is all good.  Because that’s just what my dad left me. Pages and pages and my name left out.  We were left out of his life goals..his dreams …his hopes.  He was in touch with himself.  In touch with how many calories he needed to burn aerobically and how much debt he had.  And the hardest thing for me to deal with is the absence of me.  But when we are present it is in the most heart breaking way of a father searching for his children.

My dad wrote us letters that I have alluded to before.  He put all of his wishes for us on paper and maybe that’s why I email or text my closest friends whenever something happens to be in my heart.  I am used to reading it and not hearing it.

So tonight I took my dad’s journals out in an attempt to do some more writing as I know the book brewing in my heart “Born the Day the Dogwoods Bloom” has more to do with him than it does me.  The first five pages I grabbed out of the bin evaluated my dad’s life in 1987.  I am absent from the evaluation..Dave is absent. (My Dad literally titled each page Life Analysis) But I know that at this tiny snapshot on 12/29/87 we were absent but I have to believe we mattered in the bigger picture of my dad’s life.

Because then I read on 8/12/90, in a letter that my dad has written to me, that he has always loved me but for some strange reason he needs to prove it…and on 6/23/91 he says he is missing his own children and wanting to integrate us into his life.

So I know words on paper tell a story but I am learning that the words only tell a small portion of what was going on and I hope that my children will look at the whole picture just as I am trying to do……

 

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April 18, 2012

I am so sad

I am thoroughly and utterly(yes I need to use both of those words!) heartbreakingly sad. And I shouldn’t be.  I should be happy.  A friend told me today to rejoice.  And I can’t.  I started getting teary when I was telling another mom about it at school today.  I am registering my babies for kindergarten tomorrow and it is eating me up.  My sweet (most of the time) little twins are heading to big kid school on the bus and away from me from 9-4 all week.  How could this have happened?

Last night Gigs was sobbing in bed so I went in to check on her.  Her throat was hurting so I cuddled her and slept with her for a few hours.  They still need and want me to do that.  So does Eva.  But I can’t imagine what would make Alex need anything more than a quick hug.  Don’t get me wrong, he loves to sit with me and talk but I can’t cuddle him.  He could cuddle me now since he’s bigger than me.  I know I am going to blink and they will all be at Alex’s stage and I don’t think I can handle that.  I want to put them in a bubble and keep them at the age where I can fix anything by picking them up and giving them a hug.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I found out that I was pregnant(SURPRISE!)?  People tell you over and over that the years fly by but sometimes the minutes crawl and when it applies to raising kids there is no other statement quite as true.  I know that September 4th will be here before I know it.  I will be sitting in my preschool staff meeting crying my eyes out waiting to greet my big kids as they get off the bus after their first day.  I need to cherish these days.  In fact, I have decided not to enroll them in a camp before the big kids get out of school so I can enjoy our last few weeks together.  I’ll plan quality time with them at the pool…just the three of us.  And I am certain nothing will get in our way…the best laid plans always work out in the Farley house.

Yes, I will have more time to finish my novel and follow my dreams but I didn’t become a mom to send my kids off.  School is an inevitable right of passage for kids and their moms that is greeted with cheers on some days and jeers on others.  In July, I am certain I will be anxiously awaiting that September date but August will find me dreading it more and more.  They are my babies after all and having an empty nest during the day is a big change for any Mama.


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April 13, 2012

Fate or should I head to Vegas?

I’ve been thinking about fate today and wondering when fate ends and human intervention steps in. I know…it’s a deep thought for someone who spent the last 10 hours in the Magic Kingdom with four kids. But you’ll see why I was thinking about it today.

We got to the park right as it opened today. My plan was to take the little kids right back to Fantasyland so we could do all of the “best” little kid rides before it got crowded and while Alex and Justin went on Space Mountain. We did all of these rides two years ago when we were here but the twins definitely didn’t remeber them. It was time to do them again. Then at least everyone would be happy before the Spring Break crowds arrived.

My plan worked. We walked right on Buzz Lightyear, Winnie the Pooh, Snow White, Peter Pan and The Small World. As I walked onto Peter Pan I realized there was a guy I knew really well in the FastPass line. I had not really seen him in 18 years but I knew immediately it was him. But there was nothing I could do. I was in a cart flying above Neverland. When I got off the ride and ushered my four kids off, I saw him again rounding the corner in his cart fresh from his journey from Neverland. I got a good look, right into his eyes. It was him. I saw that that they were the same eyes that I have known since I was five years old. But the lines around each of our eyes told new stories. And I walked away. My kids and Justin and my mom were on their way to the next ride. I was destined for The Small World…pretty ironic.

I know you don’t see anything remarkable about this story yet. But wait there’s more. I lied. It hadn’t been 18 years since I saw him. I saw him two years ago. I saw him the last time I was in Fantasyland on Easter Sunday 2010. That day I had the twins in a stroller and a six year old by myself while justin and Alex were on Space Mountain. I couldn’t run from where I was and say hi. I was stuck.

So is this fate or some crazy coincidence that we would both end up in the same place at the same time on two separate occasions? Remember, I play on the wrong side of the odds. I have been struck by lightning. So maybe i should go find a slot machine. The statistical odds of this happening have to be really low. If it is fate what is the point? Again remember, I never simply accept something. I always search for the meaning. My poor brain is so tired.

Want to know what is even more fascinating to me? Why with so much history did we simply look at each other and not utter a word? One would think at least a simple hello would have been shared after 18 years without seeing someone who had been a part of your life for 17 years.

I know why my mouth stayed shut. I was relying on fate. As I sat on The Small World I realized that if we were meant to speak we would see each other again and not as we were flying through Neverland. And fate gave me her answer….

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April 13, 2012

I judge

Or do I just make up stories?  Sometimes my stories are without judgement and sometimes my story makes a dangerous judgement or suggestion.  For instance…

We are staying at a resort in Kissimmee.  It is beautiful. There are 14 pools and the rooms are filled with every amenity.  So I was in the hot tub on Tuesday and there was a man sitting there by himself.  Ha was bald and missing hair on his arms but not his chest.  He started talking to himself.  He kept saying Wow over and over again.  At first I thought he was meditating but then I realized he wasn’t.  He got out of the hot tub and went to his chair and started methodically drying his toes and then the rest of each foot.  When he finished a foot he put on his white athletic socks and then his white hot tops.  Then he leaned his head down and looked like he was praying.  I started to think he might be a monk of some sort.  But then after we came back to our room I saw him in the distance and it looked like he was looking right into our condo.  It really freaked me out because he lingered too long.  I am normally pretty social and talk to people in the pool but he gave off some weird energy, scary energy.  Before we went to bed I made sure the doors were locked and made justin check under the bed for bad guys.  The next evening I saw him circling the pool area.  He walked by three times.  And I found that odd.  He didn’t look like he was out for exercise.  Lo and behold he was at breakfast on Thursday giving that his freaky energy.  I decided he was either a monk, a serial killer or a glass maker.  ( I thought maybe he shaved his head and arms in an effort to keep the hair from burning while he was making glass….I know my imagination is a bit active.)

So did I judge hm or simply make up a story.  I think the glassmaker guess is free of judgement.  But thinking he’s a serial killer?  That’s filled with judgement!

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April 12, 2012

Deep thoughts in Disney

I have not been a faithful blog writer lately.  My posts have really slowed down.  Part of my problem is that I am striving to be original and not repetitive.  I kind of figure if I don’t want to write it you won’t want to read it.  But that being said….I simply need to write more.  So here it goes…

Before I left for Disney, I was the lucky recipient of a few gifts from Justin.  The gifts made me feel so guilty and I really felt undeserving so I didn’t even open them until midnight that night.   (And then I proceeded to change my Facebook status to say “sometimes I forget what a lucky girl I am.” Four hours after declaring myself lucky I woke up with a blazing sore throat and a terrible stomach bug that lasted for much of our drive to Florida and into Sunday night.  Remind me never to declare myself lucky! I didn’t feel luck because of my gifts but because of all the love, opportunity and good fortune that surrounds me.) I’m not sure why I feel undeserving.  I feel that way about some birthday things that are being planned too.  It just seems to be my nature kind of like my Catholic guilt.

But a very wise grasshopper has been giving me advice lately.  The grasshopper is not even aware of how timely the advice is.  She’s been telling me to be gracious.  Just simply say thank you.  And it is so hard for me not to question my worth and the givers intentions.  But my mind makes me tired and sometimes unhappy and being gracious is easier in so many ways.   The grasshopper’s words are no different than words I have heard before it’s just that this time I heard them in relation my life…my real, actual day to day life.  And that seemed to make all the difference.

I have said thank you to Justin and I still feel a little bit guilty but mostly I feel gracious.  I’m sure not going to brag about being a lucky girl again since the universe jolted me back in my place.  Seriously, how many people are lucky enough to get a stomach virus and raging sore throat the day they are driving to Florida with four kids?  I do always say if you want to experience the very good, you have to have the very bad too.

Well, I am off and have no plans to proofread as I need to pick out bright (don’t ask!) clothes for four children and myself as we plan to be on our way to the Magic Kingdom by 7:15 tomorrow….stay tuned for my real Disney blog about all of our adventures.

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