I worry. I worry about everything. I have always worried. I used to sit up at night and worry that the police were going to arrest me because I had overdue library books. I worried that my dad was going to kidnap me. I worried about the signs in front of amusement park rides that said if you are sick or have impaired health you shouldn’t ride. If my mom didn’t let me ride on one I thought it was because she knew I was dying and the ride would surely kill me. I didn’t realize she was a big chicken when it came to the rides! Nuclear bombs were all the ‘rage’ when I was growing up and I REALLY worried about them. I built escape routes in my head. After school specials always gave me something to worry about too.
As an adult and mother of four, I worry. I have kind of devised this little game in my head that if I worry about it and can see my way through the problem/issue/sickness then it won’t happen. And if it does my mind will have devised a solution anyway so it will work out ok. I read a blog post by a mom who lost her son and she said the way he died was something she never worried about. So my weird and twisted mind decided if I worry about everything I will be covering all the bases and nothing will ever happen. Makes so much sense doesn’t it???
I worry about my words being misconstrued. And I put way more words out into the universe than the average person! I worry that I may accidentally hurt someone’s feelings. I worry that someone will be mean to one of my kids. I worry that my kids may be mean to someone. I worry that I put the wrong sandwich in the wrong lunchbox (and most days I do). I worry that I left the iron on…but it turns itself off. I worry that the doors aren’t locked. Do you get the point? I WORRY!!
But during the last week I have decided that worrying makes me tired. Really, really tired. It is sucking life out of me. And I don’t want people to know I worry and it is exhausting to make believe I am something that I am not. As my kids are getting older and slowly doing new things the worries are getting bigger and can become all consuming. So in 2012, I am giving up worrying. I know I do the best I can with what I am faced with and as long as I do that there is no need to worry. I know (hope) I am raising kids who will make good decisions when it matters. I know that my heart is in the right place so if my words get jumbled the receiver of the words will forgive. I know there are people around me to blow out my candles when I forget to so why worry when I have a solution. It’s not going to be easy to turn this worry train around but I have mantras to fill my mind with instead of worries. And I think it’s working very, very slowly. I feel myself worrying less and living more.