I am so sad

I am thoroughly and utterly(yes I need to use both of those words!) heartbreakingly sad. And I shouldn’t be.  I should be happy.  A friend told me today to rejoice.  And I can’t.  I started getting teary when I was telling another mom about it at school today.  I am registering my babies for kindergarten tomorrow and it is eating me up.  My sweet (most of the time) little twins are heading to big kid school on the bus and away from me from 9-4 all week.  How could this have happened?

Last night Gigs was sobbing in bed so I went in to check on her.  Her throat was hurting so I cuddled her and slept with her for a few hours.  They still need and want me to do that.  So does Eva.  But I can’t imagine what would make Alex need anything more than a quick hug.  Don’t get me wrong, he loves to sit with me and talk but I can’t cuddle him.  He could cuddle me now since he’s bigger than me.  I know I am going to blink and they will all be at Alex’s stage and I don’t think I can handle that.  I want to put them in a bubble and keep them at the age where I can fix anything by picking them up and giving them a hug.

Wasn’t it just yesterday that I found out that I was pregnant(SURPRISE!)?  People tell you over and over that the years fly by but sometimes the minutes crawl and when it applies to raising kids there is no other statement quite as true.  I know that September 4th will be here before I know it.  I will be sitting in my preschool staff meeting crying my eyes out waiting to greet my big kids as they get off the bus after their first day.  I need to cherish these days.  In fact, I have decided not to enroll them in a camp before the big kids get out of school so I can enjoy our last few weeks together.  I’ll plan quality time with them at the pool…just the three of us.  And I am certain nothing will get in our way…the best laid plans always work out in the Farley house.

Yes, I will have more time to finish my novel and follow my dreams but I didn’t become a mom to send my kids off.  School is an inevitable right of passage for kids and their moms that is greeted with cheers on some days and jeers on others.  In July, I am certain I will be anxiously awaiting that September date but August will find me dreading it more and more.  They are my babies after all and having an empty nest during the day is a big change for any Mama.


7 comments on “I am so sad

  1. Jacquelyn Mitchard on said:

    Dear friend,
    I have nine children, and every time one “graduated” to a new level (kindergarten, last year) or college, I was inconsolable.
    So, see, relative me, it’s NORMAL.
    BTW, Mother Writers, I have just become editor-in-chief of a YA only press (under the auspices of the great F&W Media, former publisher of Story Magazine and currently of the Everything About books). This is only F&W’s second venture into fiction, with Flying Bridge Books. Please let me know what you have in the trunk that’s completed and bewitching!
    Jackie M.

    • Jackie,
      Thanks for your comment. It is all normal you are right! Good luck on your new venture. It sounds exciting!
      Julie

  2. Susan on said:

    Hi, Julie. Great post. I can so relate. I have two step children, a set of twins, and then two younger boys (that six if you’re counting). I felt exactly this way with every milestone, especially with my twins, who were 24-week preemies. These events are joyful, but bittersweet. I loved every stage. Thought you might like to see my response to a later milestone. My only advice it to pay attention. It really does go by so fast.

  3. Judy BF on said:

    I’m sending my oldest to college this fall. I can’t even imagine. But I’m very excited for her.

  4. Claire 'Word by Word' on said:

    It is sad, for everyone, those initial steps and it is a credit to you that you really experience them. They will be replaced thankfully by the more adventurous and exciting steps when the children start to tell you about the wonderful things they are doing – though even this needs time.

    I sometimes wonder if it would have been any different if the circumstances had been other than what they are, but there is little or no reassurance their either :) Plan to do something nice for yourself, that will help.

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