Justin hit a deer on the way back from getting me a chai this morning. It was a baby. Justin is fine. The Jeep is fine and the deer ran off but he’s sure it ran off to die. I feel awful that my chai caused a deer to be mortally injured. And I am certain that my expensive Starbucks drink had extra bad ju ju in it because of all this. Not the stellar start to my Friday I had imagined…
I had to pick Alex up at school for an orthodontist appointment this morning. My Fridays get filled up with have-to’s when I want them to be filled with want-to’s. Anyway, Alex and I were talking about my day and what I was going to do. My kids think I fill my Fridays with bon-bons, shopping and sneaking out to midday movies. Quite frankly, I think a lot of people think I might be doing that! Back to my story, Alex asked me what I would do if I didn’t work at preschool. Before I could answer he said, “I know you would be working somewhere else.” By golly, that kid is right. He’s got my number.
This is not a condemnation of stay-at-home moms. It’s a critique of me and my life. My job doesn’t pay the mortgage, my Target bill or for my Starbucks addiction. Most of the time I don’t even consider myself to be a working mom. I have the luxury and privilege of being home whenever my kids are home. But it fills me up in so many different ways. It is done for the love of the job and certainly not the money. I need it because after 41 1/2 years I’ve learned something about myself. I need to be busy. Like super duper, crazy, insane, head spinning busy in order to accomplish anything. I work well under pressure. In fact, the only way I work is under pressure and that’s why my closet looks like a tornado landed in it. There’s virtually no chance of anyone other than Justin and my kids going in to it – mostly because I barricade the door. I’ve also learned in these years of mine that I derive no pleasure from a clean closet and I have no pressure to clean it right now.
I’m not really sure why I’m tell you this but the conversation struck a nerve and in the background the song “Royals” was playing. (When is it not playing these days? I’m glad I like it!) I started to think about the lyrics in a 41-year-old mom way. They started screaming to me and reminding me that I know who I am and that’s ok. I’m never going to change. I need my life like it is in order to write my books.When I’m busy, I can feel the magic bubbling in my mind. I need to graciously accept who I am and what I do and what those around me do.
I’m jealous that this 17-year-old girl, Lorde, figured out her life so early on. She wrote the lyrics to the song in thirty minutes at her house. Great words speak to you on some level and bring meaning to your life. I have big things in mind. Big things just beyond my reach but I can taste them. They’re getting closer and they start during tiny, busy moments when I’m shuffling kids around and driving to work.