I like turbulence
I’ve been pondering that phrase for the last few weeks. I started thinking about it with regards to flying—something I don’t enjoy—and how I love turbulence during a flight. Sometimes when I’m gliding a long smoothly, I find myself waiting for the bumps. I don’t feel fear when I’m being bounced around. Instead, I find fear when I have peace…always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I read this blog this week written by a writer who always gives me food for thought, Aidan Donnelley Rowley, and she said exactly what I have been thinking. In beautiful moments, when the kids are happy and everyone seems healthy, I find anxiety. I’m on edge knowing the good fortune will come to an end. Even feeling undeserving of such happiness. I find faith and a bits of extra strength when things are less than perfect. It seems that it’s in those moments, when I’m sitting back and reveling in the joy that I’m not actually feeling the moment but worrying about what’s coming next.
So maybe instead of getting what I could handle with four kids, I got what I needed. I got the extra bumpy, not-so-comfortable ride. Some days the deep breaths seem few or non-existent. But I can handle it. Yes, I need a pat on the back when I successfully deliver three kids to practices all over the county AND even manage to remember where they are and get them home too. But it’s in that moment when I’m cuddling with one of them or having a deep, important conversation that I savor the each word….because I worry about the possibility of it not happening again. I “dwell in possibility” just not the way it was intended.